i'm sick of hearing everyone's sob stories about how their lives are so bad because their boyfriend of two weeks dumped them or the boy they like likes someone else or they don't have enough money to go to the movies because they owe a thousand dollars on their credit card or whatever their sad little stories are... i'm not saying my life is the worst ever, but i don't complain to everyone how sad my little life is just to get people to pity me... and if i do complain, which i'm about to do, it's not for that reason... i just want some people to realize that their life could be worse. and by all means, i know that mine could get a lot worse than it is... it's just that i'm tired of people i know saying these things (about how everything sucks), people who are like nineteen, twenty years old and in the prime of their lives and have freaking everything they want and if they don't, mommy and daddy will get it for them or send them money. people i see on a regular basis and know that their sad little lives are actually perfect, or as close to it as can be, and they just think they are the most unhappy people in the world. dammit i'm tired of it all.

let me just say a little about my life as it is right now. i don't have a full-time job... yes, that's my fault, because i quit my job (to get a new one), because it's gotten to the point where my managers watch every move i make, on top of the fact that i hate being there, and the fact that i've had that EXACT same job for the past two years and have not moved up at all. and believe me, i've tried. so -- being 25 years old (happy birthday to me tomorrow, the big, fat 26... yay), a former teacher making $500 a week after taxes and currently lucky to scrape up $250 a week for the same amount of hours and stress, three years after graduating with honors with a degree that i don't need for this crappy job anyway -- i decided i had to get out.

so, that's my job situation. onward and upward... my husband of just over a year doesn't live with me most of the time and hasn't for the past eight months... his job in south florida, three hours away from home. he stays with his mother, who i'm pretty sure doesn't like me, and i typically see him every other weekend, sometimes two weekends in a row if i'm lucky. why not move down there to be with him? i grew up in south florida, and when we moved up here (to central florida) i decided i never wanted to live down there again. i just don't like it down there and besides, we own a home up here. sell? not a chance. we're extremely lucky to have bought when we did, because of the way house prices have shot up so quickly. yes, if we sold right now we'd make a profit, but we'd be living on the street, because neither of us has the credit to get a new mortgage, and probably not even to get into a decent apartment. i'll get to credit in a minute... but anyway, so he's stuck down there, because it's the job he's been wanting to do for about five years now, and he makes better money there than he ever had before. and i'm stuck up here because we can't sell the house, and can't afford to get another place, and because this is my house, dammit, and i like it, and i want to live here and not somewhere else!

so... on to the credit issue. when brian and i first moved up here, me with high hopes that i would move up in the disney company quickly (i've found out the hard way that some people do, but most don't) and brian with the simple hope of finding a job period, we didn't have much money. i went from making $32,000 a year to making $16,000. i had good credit, and a lot of it, and since we had to use the money we were making (once brian found a job) to pay the bills, we had to use credit cards to eat. and get gas. and go grocery shopping. and anything else that cost any money at all. i paid at least the minimum payment every month, on time, until i realized there was more money due in bills every month than we had to pay with. before i filed for bankruptcy i owed over $40,000 in credit card bills alone. i got to keep my house and car, and it's nice to not have to pay the credit card bills anymore... but we're still poor. yes, we have a nice house. well, i think it's nice, in a small suburban town... we both have cars (mine is good, his isn't all that reliable, but he has a car to get him to and from work at least). i don't worry too much about someone breaking into my house, because believe me, we don't have ANYTHING worth stealing. i mean, they could steal our tv and dvd player and my computer but they might get five dollars for each of them.

wow, i sure wrote a lot. but i feel much better... and i don't think i can handle going into all the things that have happened most recently... you can read about brian's appendicitis if you want, which doesn't even go into the "we can't afford hospital bills we don't have any insurance, oh but we are still in the 30-day period where we could extend our insurance, oh but it costs $600 a month which we have to pay within 45 days, oh but we don't have that kind of money available!" issue (that was, obviously, the condensed version)...

i just don't know how much more i can take... i think i've handled it all fairly well, except for the fact that i can't make myself go to work (I'm still seasonal at Disney, so I can go to work if there's a shift to pick up, and i usually do go at least once or twice a week, but no more than that), i can hardly make myself get out of bed... if it didn't hurt my neck and back to lie in bed all day i would, i don't want to leave the house (I make my friends come over here if they want to hang out with me). mostly i sit at the computer and play on the internet... check me out on myspace... and paint. and lately i've been doing a little cooking and cleaning.

to all those people who say they could never go without a job, that they need one just to give them something to do... good for you. that's not me. if i could do this all the time and have enough money to not work, i would be a housewife. i'd never go to work again.

as it is, i start substitute teaching next week...

last - next

I can't believe - 11.22.2006
life sucks - 11.19.2006
alone and unhappy - 11.14.2006
please don't let it end - 10.15.2006
nothing to wear - 08.28.2006

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