I am continually amazed at how unhappy I am lately. Especially compared to how happy I was this time last year. But now there's always something I need that I can't afford, always a bill that I can't pay. In fact, there are always a lot of bills I can't pay.

I am constantly alone, because my husband lives 200 miles away and only comes home every other weekend, and I can't take the loneliness. And now the friendlessness because I blew up at my only friends because I can't deal with the stress. They don't understand what I'm going through. They know... they know everything that's going on, and still they just don't understand why I'm always in a crappy mood and don't know how to not piss me off and make me explode into a breakdown. I imagine it's just a matter of time before I have a major breakdown where I'll need to be hospitalized. But I can't let that happen because I don't have insurance.

I've had PMS for the past two or three weeks (I don't even know when it started because it's been going on for so long), and yes, that's normal for me... I get PMS for two or three weeks, then a really heavy period for a few days and then finally maybe a week or two of being normal, or the closest thing to normal that I can get.

I keep thinking the pain in my chest will go away eventually, maybe if I take some Pepcid, maybe if I could just breathe. I can't get the lead weight off my chest. I constantly feel like I'm drowning. I keep taking a deep breath because it feels like I need to, and I can, but it doesn't do any good. It feels better during the breath, but as soon as I let it out, the weight is back. I can't go to the doctor because I have no health insurance. Want all the details? Read this. I had a minor breakdown a few days ago and I'm on the verge of another one. I just don't know how much more I can take. I owe one friend $300, another friend $230, thank God neither is asking for it right now, they both know my financial situation, but I hate knowing that I'm not only in debt to every company known to man, but also to two of my best friends.

I've been trying to get a job as a substitute teacher for over a month now, and I'm already hired but can't work because every time I think I've got all my paperwork in and workshops done and drug testing over with, they say "Come back Friday [or Monday, or Wednesday, or a week from now] and take this other workshop [or orientation, or TB test, or anything else they can come up with to drag it out more]" and I know it's the same with everyone that's trying to start subbing, but it's ridiculous how many times I've been there in the past month. And what if I already had a full-time job? As many times as they've made me come in at 9:15 am or 11:45am on random days of the week, it would be taking me twice as long to get started as it already is. I'm just so tired of it.

I'm tired of it all. I just want to go lie down and cry. Or run away... just get in the car and drive. Doesn't matter where I go, as long as it's away from here. But I can't, because I have to go to work, to a job I hate, because it'll be at least another week before I can start subbing. And then there's only one week of school left after that before Christmas break. And after Christmas break, teachers don't need subs that often, because they just had two weeks off. So what's the point?

I know eventually it will get better. But I don't know when, and in the meantime, I don't know what to do anymore. I think 2005 has been the worst year of my life. And if not the worst, at least the most stressful and unhappy. I went through four years of college, I know what a stressful year feels like, but at least then I was happy, or pretty close to it. This year nothing good happened, as far as I can tell. I guess too many good things happened last year, in 2004 (I got married, bought a house, got a temporary promotion) and now I'm getting retribution or something (my husband moved 200 miles away for his job, my house is a horrible mess and I can't afford the mortgage, and my temporary promotion ended and some crap happened when I went back to my old job that made me start to hate being there). I've never been so depressed in my life, and I just don't see any way of fixing the mess I'm in right now. Sure, I could sell the house and move down to where Brian is, but we'd either be living on the street, in a really bad neighborhood, or with his mother, because we can't afford anywhere else, and we don't have the credit to be approved anywhere anyway.

So I live. I pay the bills in a way only I know how (I have a strategy of when to pay certain bills so as to avoid late fees and more bad marks on our credit), and sometimes, just sometimes, we manage to get the bills up-to-date. And someday it will get better. I'll let you know when that happens. But don't hold your breath.

last - next

I can't believe - 11.22.2006
life sucks - 11.19.2006
alone and unhappy - 11.14.2006
please don't let it end - 10.15.2006
nothing to wear - 08.28.2006

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