I think my problem is that I want more than I deserve. All the things I want (ie. being rich, having a high paying, easy job, having an easy life, even just having a clean house without me being the one to clean it) are things I really haven't earned. But doesn't everyone want these things? Am I really being selfish, or am I just being human? Compared to a lot of other people, I have a really good life. How could I possibly ask for more? But it's not a lot I ask for. It's really not even material things I want. Just security. I hate living hand-to-mouth. The money goes out faster than it comes in and the bills just keep adding up. I don't see an end to it.

But I know I have a good life. I was telling Brian today that I think we are right where we're supposed to be. Maybe it's not where we want to be, or at least not where we want to end up, but most likely we won't end up where we are right now anyway. Everything in my whole life has been building up to this point, and it's not done building. At least, I hope it's not. Brian starts EMT school in January, we'll buy a house in July, and we're looking at October to get married. And yet look at how important having money is to all those things. And we have none to spare. What are we going to do? I have no idea. Parents? Hah. If our parents had money, would we really be in the financial straits we're in already? We both grew up well off enough, but always hand-to-mouth. Paycheck to paycheck. We've had to loan money to both our parents already. Does that tell you anything?

So, back to my original question, do I want more than I deserve? Why is it that so many people have so much extra money and so many others don't have enough? Where is the justice? Other people have more than they deserve. People born into money. They didn't earn it. Why do people like us have to work our butts off just to barely scrape by? Don't we deserve more? Haven't we served our time growing up without enough money to pay bills? Both our parents filing for bankruptcy within the past five years? Not because of mistakes, either. Just because of a lack of enough money to pay the bills.

Money doesn't buy happiness. What a crock. Maybe it's true for people who truly aren't happy. We're happy despite our lack of money. But money pays bills, money buys things that can make you happy (like a maid to keep my house tidy, now that would make me happy), therefore indirectly buying you happiness. It doesn't take care of a deep depression, but when I'm happy except for the fact that my house is a wreck, money could certainly make me happier.

last - next

I can't believe - 11.22.2006
life sucks - 11.19.2006
alone and unhappy - 11.14.2006
please don't let it end - 10.15.2006
nothing to wear - 08.28.2006

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