Brian says I need a new alternator in my car. He didn't take it to the dealer, he bought a new battery and put it in himself. The "old" battery actually was new, but the alternator was not charging it or something I really don't know that much about cars.

I'm... obsessing over the fact that I have it in my head that Brian doesn't want to spend as much time with me as he used to. I mean, it's not really true, I just expect a guy to break up with me after I get comfortable in a relationship. I mean, I know it's an irrational fear, but it's happened to me so many times in the past few years that now I get freaked out at any sign that a guy is not as into it as he used to be.

It's not even that Brian has done anything different. He hasn't. But I'm just so afraid to lose him. In any way. More than I'm afraid he's going to break up with me, I'm afraid he's going to die suddenly. Talk about an irrational fear. It's hard for me to explain. Hard for me emotionally. Let me just say I've had some experience with sudden death recently. There's nothing hidden in what I'm writing to figure out, I just can't explain it right now.

Anyway, I need to back off the subject with Brian. I will end up driving him away if I keep asking him if he's going to break up with me. Which I know he's not going to do anyway. I'm pretty sure I have a touch of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

{Chewing on the inside of my lip}

I... want to go home. Today I subbed from 7am-3pm then came to the Teen Center at 4 and I'm here till 10. I'm tired and... I can't think.

last - next

I can't believe - 11.22.2006
life sucks - 11.19.2006
alone and unhappy - 11.14.2006
please don't let it end - 10.15.2006
nothing to wear - 08.28.2006

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